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I told him to sit down on the couch, that I wanted to talk to him. I produced the pair of knickers from the pocket of my robe and held them out for him to see. "what do you know about these?" I asked. He immediately began blushing and said "nothing". I told him about finding another pair in my hamper that were really stained up.He began to squirm with his eyes to the floor. I then informed him of what I had witnessed through the garage window the other night, without telling him what I had done of course. He was almost in tears and begged me not to tell his mother about it and that he would never do it again.I calmed him and told him that I wouldn't tell her only if he told me the truth. He agreed by shaking his head, still not wanting to look me in the eye or talking very much. I said " did you take a pair of knickers out of my clothes hamper the other day?" He sheepishly nodded yes. "what did you do with them?" He told me that he had just looked at them. I told him that I didn't. It was an extremely hard decision, taken for entirely selfish reasons, when faced with a loss that I could not bear to contemplate – the loss of my children’s love and respect. In parting, I was not the least bit fair to her. I can still feel the pain that I caused her, and it gives me great pain as well. I now understand better why I made the choices that I did. I will never know whether there could have been a different way. I do know that after years of effort, the results are as I had hoped. Could I have done things differently? Perhaps. And maybe I would also somehow have emerged intact on the other side of the nightmare that I faced – different from today, but still whole. No one can ever really know ‘the road not taken’. I do know how much I miss her. There is not a day which goes by without me thinking of her some time. My favorite time is early morning, when I lie in bed, half awake (and half asleep). I like to let my thoughts drift to her, curling up on my side and.
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